My mother slowly exits the car and pauses, looking back at me, through the open window. I ask, “Would you do this mom, if you were me?” There is a pause of seconds, although for a few brief moments, I am sensing that she won’t approve. I still need my mother’s approval. As a child, craving approval. Her approval. My mother’s eyes look toward the grey, clouded skies. Turning to face me she says, “I don’t know. I am old now. I don’t have the energy. I had to let it go. Do it, though. You have my blessing.” I note my mother’s blue eyes are layered, bluing, greying, mistier now. Some days, I feel as if she is lost, far away, somewhere within their depth.
We all get lost, searching through a foggy veil, for pieces that we may not find. What we discover is dirtier, shabbier, thinned out, for that’s what time does to its precious bits, forming discreet layers of love’s evidence. The tears, dust, and deceit, tucked between the pieces of laughter and love. Collect the tattered bits to preserve them, before we forget. Their structure, beautiful and raw. Evolving over time, the evidence of love.
My mother’s approval comforts me. It is in part, for her, that I keep trying to right the wrong, validate, earnestly reminding her of the beauty that surrounds. She is giving up, I sense that. Stay strong, I whisper to the wind. We will find our way, mom. Behold the beauty within the bits.